5 Steps to Simplify Small Talk
5 Steps to Simplify Small Talk
After working for nearly a decade with adults on their social communication at work and in personal relationships, one key pattern always emerges: We overcomplicate it!
With so many different ways to communicate and seemingly more and more “rules” about what we can and can’t say, our overthinking causes us to forget that communication is- at its core- about connection. We can’t fully control how someone perceives us or reacts to what we say. Yet we go into situations with this sort of guard up- that prevents us from being fully present. “Will we say the right thing?” “Will we offend someone?” “Will they like us?” “Do I have anything valuable to contribute?”
The truth is, that the reason so many of us are uncomfortable with small talk is because we try and anticipate the behaviours of others instead of focusing on our own. Instead of focusing on listening and relating to what we’re hearing or experiencing in the moment, we try and plan out what we should or shouldn’t say. Sometimes (and I’ve been guilty of this) we even try and plan it out before we are in the situation. This can mean we are less adaptable in the moment because we are busy trying to fit our specific vision for the conversation into a situation that is largely unpredictable. In many cases, I know that when we do this it can make us feel even more anxious and awkward when things don’t go according to our plan. This affects our ability to connect, and therefore to communicate.
So, as a speech-language pathologist who has trained to understand communication from both a language and behavioural standpoint, here are some things I recommend to keep your small talk small.
Listen first. Avoid putting pressure on yourself to have the first word- especially in larger groups. Sometimes if you wait just a couple extra seconds, you’ll hear something that sparks a genuine response instead of forcing what you wanted to say into a conversation that wasn’t ready to receive it.
Never assume. Try not to make any assumptions before, during, or after the conversation. Believe only what you know to be true based on what you see and the words you hear. If you don’t know what’s true- ask for clarification (that’s a great way to participate in a conversation).
Be honest. If you don’t have something to say or aren’t sure of how to phrase it- own that. Conversations are living breathing organisms and the more we let them ebb and flow with transparency- the more comfortable everyone is because they feel there is a level of trust. Say “I’m not sure” or “I have to think a little more on that” or “I’m having trouble putting it clearly.” And If you realize you said something you didn’t mean to- don’t wait to get called out or hope noone heard it. Show that you’re self aware and considerate by acknowledging it yourself.
Engage without speaking. Use active listening strategies that feel comfortable to you (i.e. eye contact, leaning in, nodding, expression-matching, etc.) so you can communicate that you’re part of the conversation. Remember communication is a two-way street so feeling heard is just as important to someone talking as the words we say back.
Say less. The most practical way to keep your small talk small is to never offer too much information. Give people opportunities to comment or ask questions. That can help you understand how much detail to share- especially when you don’t know people as well (like at networking events or larger social gatherings). To keep a conversation flowing, you can use my Social Conversation Formula: Respond/Comment + Add one thing (Comment or Question).
As is true with any advice- not all of these steps will work for everyone. Small talk doesn’t have a finite definition. So it can be whatever we want it to be- and we can call it whatever we want to. At the end of the day- the most important thing to remember is that the purpose of communication (however small) is always to connect and exchange.
One other thing. We evolved as a communicative species but that doesn’t mean we always want to communicate with everyone in every situation. And- if there are days or instances where you don’t feel like doing that- it’s not “small talk’s” fault, it simply means you don’t feel like communicating right now- and that’s okay. When you feel like it- you will- and hopefully these tips can help.