Having Challenging Conversations

In the last four years, we have all been faced with an apparent increase in more deep-rooted and divisive conversations. It is seemingly more common for us to have our beliefs challenged. We are expected to have an opinion about everything, take a firm stance, and be able to articulate that perspective in a clear way. We are more inclined to see these challenges as battles with opponents to overcome or at the very least, pacify.

This has revealed- for the self-aware- how little we actually understand about our communication and how to wield it with the impact we intend.

I think it is important to emphasize here that this is not something to be ashamed of or to be disappointed in yourself for not knowing. I frequently remind my clients that communication is one of the skills we use the most and understand the least.

It is true that we are rarely taught to consider communication as a behaviour, and rather to think of it as a series of words we “should” or “shouldn’t” say.

We are taught the societal expectations of our word choices for different environments and, on occasion, the “correct” grammar to use in the language we speak for different environments we speak in.

It is rare for it to be explained to us that communication is more than just the words we use- it is a behaviour- and thus its success is dependent on how our communication represents us and impacts those we are communicating with.

This can happen through the rate at which we speak, the tone of our voice, the inflection/pitch patterns we use, the way words are put together, and perhaps most importantly, how we remain aware of the impact our words have on the person or persons we are speaking with. And even if we understand this intuitively- we don’t always understand how to modify these in practice (or in the moment) for the impact we want.

A re-frame can be helpful here. I present to you that “Communication is an exchange.”

So, as much as it is about having our voices heard, it is also about how we facilitate the voices of others being heard while we are communicating.

This is the most important point for consideration when having challenging conversations.

If we set the goal of our communication with the intention to send AND receive information, we bring a different energy to every conversation than if we simply hope to say what we want to say.

Thinking of communication as an exchange allows us to:

• Listen as much as we speak.

• Reflect before we react.

• and Ask questions rather than making assumptions.

Remember- the goal of advocating for our perspective cannot be to do it in spite of someone- and rather must be in collaboration with them.

We all come from a different background and a different level of comfort in discussing our feelings and perspectives. So being patient and acknowledging these differences will get us much farther along in a conversation than being dismissive.

Asking “Why” or encouraging someone to offer more information before responding to them can give valuable insight into how we can adapt our communication to be most productive for a specific interaction.

At the end of the day- we don’t need to “agree to disagree” (one of my least favourite dismissive phrases in communication)- we need to acknowledge that a difference in perspectives exists and if we hope to communicate towards change, that difference has to be resolved. That isn’t to say we can’t have different opinions. It means that if you want to communicate productively, the starting point is a willingness to respect and explore those differences so that while you communicate you are working towards a common goal rather than in opposition.

So whether you are negotiating for a raise, managing challenges within a team, or discussing ideological conflicts- If we want to influence the communication and therefore the thoughts and behaviours of others- we must lead with the intention of creating a safe place for an exchange to occur. We leave ego at the door and embrace our partner in communication as an equal collaborator instead of an opponent.

If you want support in exploring these ideas with a speech-language pathologist. Reach out and find out more about our social and workplace communication training. Workshops for your whole team are also available.